The yoga studio was in an older part of Fort Worth, on Lancaster, in an old building with a high tin ceiling.
The courtyards of these old buildings were filled with plants, and the strip felt like a quiet sun-baked paradise. I paid ahead online, and entered through the back door for my lessons. Not knowing what to bring, I at least brought my mat and what I normally wear to do yoga, which is black leggings and a tank top. It seemed that was just right.
The Gentle Yoga class was very similar to the routines that I do in my yoga app, with a couple of exceptions. I put a lot more effort into it, I think, and I really enjoyed having other people around who were more experienced. I copied what other people were doing, because I could not see the instructor at the front of the room.
Additionally, many props were supplied. Blankets, a bolster, and a block. I did not like using any of these. It doesn’t feel natural to have these on or under any part of my body while doing yoga. However, I really appreciated the kindness of one of the instructors, who supplied these to me, and also practiced beside me.
My favorite parts were the OM chant, and the meditative pigeon pose. I have been under so much stress lately, that so many feelings welled up in me, and it was very difficult not to cry. I was able to wait till I was in the car on the way home.
I will definitely do this again. This brought me together with other people that do what I do on my own and are open to spiritual beliefs other than Christianity.
Today, we went to Unity church, and I cried during the message. I can’t even really say why. I would love to have just let it all go, but I had to bite my lip and keep thinking of something cynical so I wouldn’t lose control. These tears are part of the card I just drew, Death. Something is passing away. It’s dying. It needs to go. Maybe I am crying because I want it gone. But parting myself from it is bringing out deep pain, and these tears feel really cleansing. Not hopeless tears, but tears of great relief and release.
I am crying because I know that I am separated from this thing that has been draining my life energy. Finally I can cry, because it is all over. I can cry for the years I have lost, my mistaken beliefs, my self-image which has been shadowed. I’m crying in the sunlight. There’s a sensation of the sun baking my tears into my skin. I feel safe, and I can cry, knowing that the light is drying my tears while they fall.
I survived the painful portions. Now, if I keep taking the next right steps, I will not have to suffer anymore. I do not want to give my personal power to anyone else again. I can’t imagine a physical pain or trauma that compares to the slipping sensation, the mind-spinning sensation of feeling like my whole soul has just slipped off my body, and my body is a withered husk I can barely push forth. The feeling of desperation as I try to regain what I have lost through compulsive, self-abusive behaviors.
I performed the Summer reading with my Victorian Fairy Tarot earlier this week, and the cards I drew were Three of Spring (Wands), The Moon, and The Fairy Bride (The Lovers). The Three of Spring is my card for this month, and a card I will never see again without remembering the rich lessons I have lived through it. Not only the extensive travel I did this month, but also my movements to the next right steps on my path, and finding the integrity to move forward, at the estimated 25% portion toward completion, when it is hard to validate my progress, and slipping backward would be so easy. The second card, The Moon, spoke to my feelings about moving backward and letting my intuitive powers and subconscious guide me forward, as well as uncovering the symbology of my recent dreams, my addictive behaviors and compulsions, and what things that terrify me represent to my child-self. The last card, The Fairy Bride, speaks of making a commitment. The most important commitment I can make now is to my self-protection and preservation. I counteract negative thoughts and experiences with affirmations and loving gestures toward myself. The few times I have done this, I have released more strength and creative power than I have known for a long time. The Three of Spring is about moving forward, and no longer being stuck in my nostalgic habits, but somehow as I move, I uncover a part of myself I have not seen since adolescence, something familiar within myself that was hidden, that I was trying to access through external, futile methods.
This year has been one of growth, of high contrasts, of encountering my shadows. In many ways, it hasn’t been lovely, but the past six months have been the end of something that needed to end long ago. I feel grateful to welcome a new month this week, and enter the second half of this year.
My month’s card for July is the Two of Ariel. My conjecture is that this involves balancing my career transition with the creative and personal work I am uncovering with my Artist Way course, and that it will be a challenge to keep both moving forward, but that they both require my conscious choices and mindfulness to sustain.