I don't know what this is.
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Bryony:
1813.
“She was a conventional, if not very beautiful, young woman approaching the age of marriageability. Her brother Josian interfered much with her life, and she had evolved to a state of detachment about what she did and when. She allowed herself to be guided, her innermost thoughts unknown to herself.”
I think she sounds hatable, and nothing I have written justifies my obsession with her. I write her as though she is a narrative to be told, not a vision in my mind. That’s why she sounds so hatable. Our narrative forms are often rather hatable.
It has been two years since I have seen her. Two years, and I think each day that I should be glad that I am free, but I’m not. I lingered there long, and yet I left no mark or impression. The page is white and smooth as though I never existed there. And all of my feelings, vibrating within me every moment, never penetrated that inner sanctum. We dream of ghosts. We fear them, because sometimes we are them. I was certainly a ghost when I was Josette’s tutor. A whisper in her head, urging the push of her pen.
She repeated my English phrases without understanding. She was only a beautiful portrait. Is it inexplicable that a man should fall in love with a portrait, knowing nothing but the mystery of its subject? Not healthy. I can make no sense of psychology. I was interested for a while, I tried, but to heal means to disavow my pleasure in my own discomfort. I won’t do it. I would rather love Josette, and suffer.
Josette:
1811.
I dreamed of Bryony last night. We were in the woods, walking. The sunlight came down through the trees, so that it seemed like mid-day. The yellow light spattered over the fallen leaves and warmed our skin. There was a ravine. It was a fairly large one for one you would find in the woods, carved by a creek or river now run dry.
Bryony helped me across the ravine. He held my hand. Sometimes, through the woods, he carried me. He carried me, I thought, even when he didn’t need to. I awakened with this awe-filled feeling of warmth. I did not know how to respond to such a feeling, to be freely given this assistance.
In my dream, the terrain was intimate. The woods green and joyful. But in my heart, where the dream reached, it is like a desert. The life this feeling breathes into me dispels like a vapor in the arid atmosphere. I can’t hold it. All I know is the pain and shaking emptiness I feel, not knowing how to accept something that isn’t offered.
What am I saying? I am not afraid to love. I don’t understand why he was represented in my dream with such love.
1811.
My father has placed a trellis outside of my window.
I looked out, and instead of my normal view of the lawn, there was this loose wire grid. I felt a little bewildered. I did not know if I wanted my normal view obstructed. But then, I began to think about what I might plant on it, and I grew excited. I imagined how lush it would become.
Trellises were placed on other parts as well. As I was looking out of the window, I noticed that the heavy green vines on the fence had partially torn away. They were sopping from the heavy rains, and they had probably been torn during the storm last night. They were sagging and heavy with moisture.
Additionally, I saw a friend I had not seen for a long time. We are much distanced now that we are grown, but the feeling between us was cordial.
1811.
I must have been thinking while sleeping. That alone makes me feel that all my peace has fled. I woke up with a clear thought in my mind. I have never heard him say my name. Not once. I see him every day, but I have not heard it. Does he think this word, my name, when he sees me? Or is there no word there, in his mind? It gave me a feeling of being lost.
- Story dump: Josette's history
absintheforest- April 11th, 10:55
okay
- "scruffy sparrows" from Favor of Crows
- absintheforest
- March 19th, 17:54
productive
scruffy sparrows
chatter outside the bakery
raisin sconesGerald Vizenor, Favor of Crows
Common and perhaps worse-for-wear birds center an outdoor scene. The rumpled sparrows contrast with the sleeker concept of a baker's shop, while their chatter invites personification. Then, the viewer's gaze falls on something heartening, perhaps on the other side of the bakery window in a more exclusive space, where all is cozy. Does the chatter of the sparrow center around the scones, maybe a favorite treat of theirs, since they have gathered here before?
By mentioning the human-like "chatter" of the sparrows, the speaker invites the viewer to regard the world through their eyes as, just for a moment, the speaker, and reader, both gaze on the inviting scones.
The briefly-sketched scene evokes empathy in a shared desire for comfort and warmth between human and animals, and tenderness in its charm, while also keeping the desired object at a distance. Will the sparrows have a chance to taste the scones? Will a human hand offer them a bite, or will someone leave a few crumbs behind in a discarded wrapper?
- "Rainbow Sleeves" from The Orchid Door: Ancient Korean Poems
- absintheforest
- March 19th, 17:28
busy
I recently began a poetry discussion blog, more related to my studies. I will also be posting those entries here in future, for anyone interested.
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The Orchid Door book online: HTML, PDF
According to Brother Anthony's site, The Orchid Door is a book of poetry by Joan Grigsby adapted from Korean originals. The poem "Rainbow Sleeves" below is from this collection.Rainbow Sleeves (Anon.)
Her rainbow sleeves are gay as golden wine
Poured from a silver flask to porcelain bowls.
Between the guests she moves. Their wet lips shine.
Their eyes grow dry and hot as burning coals,
Watching her bend to pour their perfumed wine,
Watching her rainbow sleeves above the bowls.
One gives her amber beads like honeyed light,
Another, coral drops for her to wear
Like folded peach buds in her ears tonight,
While one sets bright blue feathers in her hair.
Gay are her sleeves!
Yet, in the lanterns' light,
Her face — a peony flower — reveals despair.
The description "rainbow sleeves" recalls the brightly-colored striped sleeves of the traditional Korean women's hanbok. The fixed cheerfulness of her sleeves is analogous to the joy-inducing quality of the wine she pours. She gives, while her guests, apparently male, consume the wine, as their "wet lips," suggest.
The guests' eyes, "dry and hot as burning coals," suggest their desires for consumption have turned to the server. Their shining lips and burning eyes lend a darkened contrast to the innocent vibe the server projects. Hoping, probably, for favors, the guests bestow the server with sumptuous gifts. The gifts, however, only serve to adorn her beauty and enhance their pleasure in observing her. As "one sets bright blue feathers in her hair," she is transformed into a bird, albeit a caged one.
The speaker reiterates the woman's bright sleeves before revealing the "despair" of her "peony flower" face, a condition the false brightness of her adornments and the lewd encroachment of her "guests" has suggested.
The overall situation and "rainbow sleeves" remind me of the old English poem Greensleeves.A new Courtly Sonnet, of the Ladie Greensleeves.
Alas, my love, you do me wrong
To cast me off discourteously
And I have lov-ed you so long
Delighting in your companie
(Chorus)Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who but my Ladie Greensleeves
I have been ready at your hand
To grant whatever you would crave,
I have both waged life and land,
Your love and good-will for to have.
(Chorus)
I bought thee kerchers to thy head,
That were wrought fine and gallantly
I kept thee both boord and bed
Which cost my purse well favouredly
(Chorus)
I bought thee petticoats of the best,
The cloth so fine as might be;
I gave thee jewels for thy chest,
And all this cost I spent on thee.
The speaker of "Greensleeves" continues to list his expenditures on the lady, who will not bestow favors despite accepting his gifts. Meanwhile, the green of her sleeves suggests gaiety or promiscuity misconstrued by the speaker. In both poems, the woman's colorful sleeves serve as a false indicator of joy in contrast to her disconnection from the male admirer(s).
Yet, "Greensleeves" retains her independence, while "Rainbow Sleeves" wades through nights of despair. The fixedness of her costume and position suggest that she is locked into her dilemma with no hope of escape.
It also suggests, in a broader sense, the falseness and spiritual barrenness of a society structured entirely around exchange of materials and services.
- Bath & Body Works mini shopping haul
- absintheforest
- March 16th, 19:49
happy
I had a mini shopping spree at Bath & Body Works at the end of January. I wanted to try "Magic in the Air" and get a few items for my bag. I loved the bat hand sanitizer keychain, which was a Halloween clearance item. It looks great on my black backpack, and the BFF hand sanitizer gel, which smells like chocolate chip cookies, is really great, too.
"Japanese Cherry Blossom" is a gorgeous scent. I feel tempted to get the perfume spray. "Magic in the Air" not so much. It doesn't have the decadence I had hoped for a winter scent. It's subtle, but not in a refined way: it smells too cheaply made for my liking.
- Autumn, winter tea / 가을, 겨울 차
- absintheforest
- October 18th, 2015
The great 19th-century master, Cho Ui, indicated that tea should be placed in the pot first, then water poured on, only in winter (Hatu-beop), whereas in spring and autumn he was accustomed to half-filling the tea pot with water first, then adding the tea, before pouring in the rest of the water (Chungtu-beop); in summer, he suggested, the pot should be filled with water first, then the tea added (Sangtu-beop). He felt that these different methods ensured the best taste for the changing seasons.
– Brother Anthony of Taize and Hong Kyeong-Hee, The Korean Way of Tea
- Ideas & Inspiration
- absintheforest
- October 17th, 2015
Tonight I drew the Ideas & Inspiration card from the Healing with the Angels Oracle Cards.
Keep going, I feel I hear in this message. Press on. Keep trusting myself, and don’t get bogged down. My card this month, The Emperor, is a challenge to me, and yet I feel it is allowing me to reconnect with my methodical behaviors from childhood. My current schedule leaves me with little room for getting bogged down, or for self-doubt. With nowhere to sit, I press onward, and it’s dizzying.
I feel even more challenged by this message. I know it’s a sign I need to connect with the wellspring within myself in order to sustain both my strength and spirituality. I need to allow something deeper and more meaningful to guide my actions, rather than restricting my time to what I have been taught is practical. I can feel how something deep within me requires sustenance that neither mundane tasks nor entertainment can provide. I need to reach into the unknown and create, break through the thin layer of icy fear that forms in a short time, as short as a few weeks, when I avoid creative work.
- Thursday / 목요일
- absintheforest
- October 1st, 2015
I am sitting in the outdoor patio at Panera Bakery in Mansfield. Grackles are eating from the tables around me. The air is cool, and the light is soft. Everything feels so beautiful.
- LJ Meme
- absintheforest
- September 1st, 2015
Taken fromreynardine's journal.Name/Nickname: Amanda.
Age/Birthdate/Sign: 35 / April 14 / Aries (Virgo Rising)
Myers-Briggs (if you know it): INFJ
How long have you had your LJ: Since July 4, 2005. The original username was amanda_mont. My original LJ was amanda_story, started 2004. I created a new journal for my married name.
What does your username mean: Last April I changed it to absintheforest. For me, it symbolizes the confusion that I feel as I move forward in life, like being lost in a forest, amidst dream-like hallucinations.
What is your favorite thing about LJ: The fact that LJ has always been subcultural, a haven for goths and others outside of mainstream society.
What is your least favorite thing about LJ: The image sizing in most templates needs to be updated. The fact that I have to worry about both image sizes and post cuts is a huge downside for me. These are both things that other blogging sites take care of automatically. I hope LJ updates those very basic issues soon.
What is your motivation on Live Journal? My main attractions are BJD (now inactive), cross stitch and craft communities, and to meet others with common interests. I hope to develop links to others that will last beyond Livejournal if I ever leave. I discovered so many passions here: manga, BJDs, Visual Kei, EGL, Mori Girl, Fairy Kei.
Have you ever met anyone on your F List in real life? Yes, when the LJ BJD community was more active, I met several in meet-ups.
Do you have a paid subscription? I have had a paid account for several years.
Where do you live: Fort Worth, Texas.
Do you have an accent? It depends on the circumstances. Others have often remarked that I have no disernible accent.
Do you have pets:
Two dogs: Chevre is a poodle, and Gaston is a chihuahua.Three cats: Jade Moon is an angora, we think, Mewen is Siamese, and Olive is a long-haired tuxedo. We adopted all of them from shelters except Olive, who came from a friend.
Five chickens: Rose Red is a Rhode Island Red, and Gavril the rooster is a mini Rhode Island Red. Snow White, Cinderella and Beauty are unknown breeds.
And a green-cheeked conure named Dewey.
Do you/did you go to school: Yes. I have a degree in Biology and English minor from Texas A&M. Right now I am in school earning a Certificate in Localization and Translation at UTA.
Do you work: Yes, I work as a microbiologist at a pharmaceuticals company.
Where/What do you do: I test samples for microbiological safety. Before this, I was a quality control chemist in two different positions. I also worked as a scientist in product safety at Mary Kay.
Do you have more drama at home or at work: I normally have more drama at work.
What do you often write about: I normally share my hobbies, travel, and reading notes here. I am not as casual and on-the-fly as I used to be in writing entries. That doesn't come naturally anymore for me.
What else should readers know: I try to connect with friends through comments, though I feel my comments are often awkward. Please bear with me.
- Second chances
- absintheforest
- August 25th, 2015
I realized sometimes you do get a second chance. I have yearned to go to college all over again, make different choices, experience life as a student in the present-day. Only in the last few weeks have I realized how completely possible it is. It’s difficult to believe that a month ago, I did not have this plan in mind at all, and now I am enrolled, ready to start school on Friday.
I was led by the desires of my heart. I wanted to learn Korean language fully, to become immersed in the culture of Korea, and of other Asian countries. I discovered a program at my local university for localization and translation certification, which could make possible careers in translating products or texts from English to Asian languages. On the other hand, I yearn to translate Korean and other Asian literature into English.
This isn’t something I would have majored in before. My interest in Asian culture developed quickly after college, but during college I did not pursue interests outside of my studies and field.
When I began to dream of my future, I truly became my own hero. I was no longer pressed against the glass windowpane looking at someone else’s blog or Instagram, feeling the envy that has marked my life for years unknowingly. I have not seen anyone else going into this field. The envy I felt was a harbinger of the discontent I feared acknowledging to myself about my own life. I have never known the secret code, the words to express my own desire, till that day I was looking for a Korean language class, something more serious than Pimsleur or Rosetta Stone could offer me.
I didn’t act on the great passion I felt at first for the idea. However, I began to look into the classes and see if it would be possible to take them and continue to work full-time. When I saw it was possible, I began taking steps to enroll and rearrange my work schedule. There wasn’t even one hitch.
So I am to experience the student life, this time in the digital age, and as a fully-fledged adult. I appreciate every moment of this experience, everything I have experienced so far, and everything until I am fluent in Korean and can look for work in a related field. My passion for the humanities has come full circle.
Part of me wishes I could have started this sooner, but till now I haven’t been able to recognize how deep my interest in Asian studies really is. My dream is to one day move to Austin and be able to attend graduate school at UT, and take advantage of the Asian studies program there. I want to believe that the timing, right now, is just as it should be.
- Negative existence and creation myths
- absintheforest
- July 25th, 2015
In the center of space there was, in the morning of time, a great abyss called Ginnunga-gap, the cleft of clefts, the yawning gulf, whose depths no eye could fathom, as it was enveloped in perpetual twilight. North of this abode was a space or world known as Nifl-heim, the home of mist and darkness, in the center of which bubbled the exhaustless spring Hvergelmir, the seething cauldron, whose water supplied twelve great streams known as the Elivagar. As the water of these streams flowed swiftly away from its source and encountered the cold blasts from the yawning gulf, it soon hardened into huge blocks of ice, which rolled downward into the immeasurable depths of the great abyss with a continual roar like thunder.
– Helene A. Guerber, Myths of the Norsemen
The above passage reminded me of the Qabalistic explanation of how the universe came into being.
There are three layers, or “veils” of the unmanifest lying just beyond Kether. Ain, meaning “nothing”; “Ain Soph, “limitless nothing”; and that which lies closest to Kether, Ain Soph Aur, “boundless light emanating out of nothing.”
– Kala Trobe, Magic of Qabalah
The twelve great streams hardening into ice remind me of the emanations from Kether, the god-head, flowing through the nine remaining Sephiroth and culminating in Malkuth, the earthly realm.
